"How to Teach Your Pet to Talk"

Remember all those cartoons you watched as a child? How all the animals could talk? Most people think that stuff's all made up and pretend. But it's not. Where do you think they came up with the idea for talking animals? Obviously, they are out there. They just need to be taught. So if you'd like to teach your pet to talk, here are three simple steps to doing so:

Step 1) Have a pet.
This can be a dog or a cat or a chinchilla, whatever. It doesn't really matter. Just keep in mind, teaching your pet to talk is definitely going to freak some people out. That said, be forewarned...if you have a talking iguana, people might be more freaked out than if you have a talking dog or whatever.

(The reason this 3-step process is for "pets" is because no one wants talking animals everywhere. I mean, come on, it's cool if it's your pet, but who wants to make conversation with like, pigeons or whatever at the bus stop? Not me. That's for sure.)

Step 2) Invent a "Teach Your Pet to Talk" machine.
This could be like, virtual reality or involve electrodes into your pet's brain or any other mad-scientist type stuff. Just make sure it's a pet-friendly device or system or what have you. After all, you're teaching your pet to talk, the last thing you want is your pet complaining to you for the rest of it's life about how painful it was to learn how to talk.

Step 3) Show off your pet's linguistic skills.
Some of you out there may just be looking for a faithful friend to talk to and listen to you, and certainly your talking pet will be this for you, but there's also an opportunity to manage your pet's up and coming career as a Professional Talking Pet (known as PTPs in "the business"). The possibilities here are endless. Talent shows, party tricks, street performance, you name it. The sky is the limit. Just make sure you're fair with your PTP. 50-50 even split.